In a shocking move that has left both financial experts and political commentators baffled, Labour leader Keir Starmer is reportedly preparing to launch his own cryptocurrency, tentatively named “StarmerCoin”. Sources close to the opposition leader say the decision was inspired by Donald Trump’s own foray into digital assets, with Starmer determined to prove that “Labour can be just as bad with money as the Tories.”
According to leaked documents (which definitely exist and were not written on the back of a Nando’s napkin), StarmerCoin will be the “world’s first centre-left digital currency”, aiming to bridge the gap between traditional socialism and the thrilling uncertainty of online gambling. Early investors are promised a lifetime subscription to The Guardian, along with a free cup of tea at any participating Wetherspoons (which, so far, is none of them).
A Bold Economic Strategy
Insiders claim the coin’s primary use will be funding future Labour Party campaigns, as well as “covering the cost of all the U-turns Starmer has to make on a weekly basis.” Economic analysts have already expressed concern, suggesting the coin may lack stability—much like the Labour leader’s stance on nationalisation.
One anonymous Labour MP expressed cautious optimism:
“I don’t understand how crypto works, but if there’s a chance we can buy votes with blockchain technology, count me in.”
However, critics have pointed out that StarmerCoin will be almost identical to existing cryptocurrencies—except transactions will take weeks to process while a Labour committee debates whether they are in line with party values.
Endorsements and Political Fallout
Rishi Sunak has already dismissed the project, calling it “woke nonsense” while simultaneously attempting to launch his own rival currency, “Big Tory Bucks”, which will be exclusively redeemable for tax cuts and second homes.
Meanwhile, Nigel Farage has expressed outrage that Starmer is “trying to destroy the pound,” despite previously spending years campaigning to leave an actual functioning currency union.
The Future of StarmerCoin
With a proposed launch date set for “whenever we figure out how this works”, StarmerCoin is already attracting interest from young left-leaning investors, crypto enthusiasts, and at least one man in a tracksuit who “just wants to buy a kebab with it.”
The real question now is: Will this bold financial experiment lead Labour to power, or will it crash harder than Liz Truss’s economic plan? Only time will tell.
Disclaimer:
This article is entirely satirical and should not be taken seriously—much like Boris Johnson’s commitment to telling the truth. Starmer is (probably) not launching a cryptocurrency, and if he does, we take no responsibility for anyone who tries to invest in it. Any resemblance to real-life political incompetence is purely coincidental… or is it?