In an unexpected turn of events, the UK and US governments have announced plans to close all cat cafes in both countries, citing an alarming rise in “Cat Flu” among both felines and humans. Authorities state that the popular cafes, where customers sip lattes and pet adoptable cats, have unwittingly become ground zero for a “global pandemic.”
Health officials are calling the situation “purrplexing,” noting that despite the seemingly innocent nature of these establishments, they have inadvertently become breeding grounds for a highly contagious virus. “It’s an absolute disaster,” said Dr. Kitty Whiskers, a leading feline health expert. “People come for the cozy atmosphere, but they leave with more than just a caffeine buzz. We’re seeing an alarming spike in cat-to-human transmissions of this virus, which we suspect was caused by too much interaction with the cats.”
While the exact origin of the outbreak is unclear, some experts speculate it could be linked to the “cat yoga” sessions that have gained popularity in these establishments. “People are rolling around on the floor with the cats, probably swapping germs along the way. It’s a cat-astrophe waiting to happen,” Dr. Whiskers explained.
The closure order will affect thousands of cafes across both nations, with the government citing “unprecedented health risks.” In a joint statement, the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and PHE (Public Health England) warned that the best way to protect yourself from contracting Cat Flu is to avoid all feline contact, especially if it’s paired with cappuccinos and Instagram selfies.
Despite the closures, some cafe owners remain defiant. “This is just overblown hysteria,” said one cafe owner in London. “My cats are practically celebrities. They’ve been to the vet, and they’re perfectly fine. Honestly, the government’s just jealous because we’re giving people a better experience than they ever could with their endless government meetings and bureaucracy.”
As for the public, reactions are mixed. Some patrons are devastated. “I came here for the cats, and now they’re taking away my therapy!” one upset customer declared while clutching their empty latte cup. Others are simply confused. “I didn’t even know cats could get the flu,” said a baffled tourist in New York. “Now I have to go home and Google it?”
The closure of the cafes is expected to take effect immediately, though some governments have hinted that they may consider an alternative: “Dog Cafes,” for those craving the cafe experience, minus the fur.
Disclaimer: This article is entirely fictional, much like that one cat you’ve been “adopting” for months but is really just living rent-free in your house. No cats, cafes, or coffee beans were harmed in the making of this satirical piece. If you believed any of this, it’s probably time to get a reality check—or a cat. Either way, you’re welcome!