It’s that magical time of year again when the halls are decked, the stockings are hung, and the annual spectacle of adult pantomime returns to a stage near you—because nothing says “festive cheer” quite like raunchy jokes, innuendo-laden scripts, and the kind of costume choices that make your auntie clutch her pearls. That’s right, folks—adult panto is back, and it’s naughtier than ever!
This year’s production, titled “Cinderella: The Reboot”, promises to deliver a dose of cheeky humor and questionable life choices, as the beloved fairytale takes a very… adult turn. The story may involve pumpkins and glass slippers, but expect plenty of “special” glass slippers, if you catch our drift. And don’t worry, the Ugly Sisters are still just as hideous, but now with 100% more Botox and bad decisions.
“I just think it’s what the world needs right now,” said one enthusiastic audience member, still recovering from last year’s unforgettable performance of *Jack and the Beanstalk: Now With Extra Beans. “After a long year of serious stuff, we need a break. And nothing helps you unwind like a good dose of double entendres and questionable dance routines.”
The cast has been handpicked from the finest actors, many of whom are best known for their roles on daytime television and as that person you see at 3 AM during a reality show marathon. Their acting skills are, shall we say, less “Shakespearean tragedy” and more “Shakespeare… on a weekend.”
One of the highlights this year is the appearance of “Panto Pete,” a last-minute addition who somehow managed to get cast as a “character” who’s mysteriously always in a state of undress. The critics have already been buzzing about this new role, predicting that “Panto Pete” will be an award-winning performance that will likely be seen in all the wrong places.
Tickets are flying off the shelves faster than a wizard’s wand in an illusionist’s show, so don’t wait too long to grab yours. Otherwise, you may end up watching this year’s adult panto from the comfort of your living room… where your neighbors can still hear your uncomfortable giggles.
Disclaimer: This article is as fake as the promises made by that guy in the pub who swore he would totally “call you back” after your third drink. If you find yourself at an adult panto and suddenly uncomfortable with the amount of thigh-high boots and suggestive hand gestures, please remember that we are not responsible for your questionable life choices or inability to look away. Oh yes, it is that bad.