In a post-match interview that left reporters struggling to keep straight faces, professional footballer Jamie Cartwright blamed his team’s crushing 4-0 defeat on an issue he claimed was entirely out of his control: the grass was simply “too grassy.”
“Honestly, I don’t know how they expect us to perform under these conditions,” Cartwright told journalists after the match. “I mean, sure, we train on grass, we play on grass, but today? It was just excessive. There was too much of it. It was everywhere. I felt like I was running through a jungle out there.”
The match, held at Stamford Road Stadium, had no recorded issues with its playing surface, but that didn’t stop Cartwright from doubling down. “The ball wasn’t moving right. Every time I tried to pass, it just kind of… stopped. The other team clearly adapted better, probably because they’ve got some sort of inside knowledge about this particular type of grass. It’s honestly very suspicious.”
When pressed for clarification, Cartwright began to spiral into conspiracy theories. “I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some tactical sabotage,” he said. “Maybe the groundskeepers are working for the opposition. Or maybe the grass grew extra overnight just to throw me off. I don’t know, I’m just asking questions.”
Fans were quick to react to the bizarre excuse, with many taking to social media to mock Cartwright’s comments. One user wrote, “Next week, he’ll blame the sky for being ‘too sky-y.’” Another added, “At least he didn’t trip over his own feet and blame ‘too much gravity.’”
Cartwright’s manager, visibly weary of defending his star player’s questionable takes, attempted to smooth things over in a follow-up press conference. “Jamie had a tough match, and emotions were running high. Of course, the grass was the same length for both teams,” he said. “But yes, we’ll be reviewing his playing conditions—possibly starting with a crash course in how football works.”
Meanwhile, Cartwright has reportedly been spotted at training wearing shorter studs and carrying a tape measure, insisting he will personally inspect all pitches before future matches.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Any resemblance to real events, people, or particularly bad footballers is purely coincidental. No grass was harmed in the making of this article, though we cannot confirm the same for Cartwright’s dignity.